Life is an open road

Poison "Envy"

2012-01-16T20:54:00.004-02:00

The old woman sat on the old chair in front of the old house and talked alone.
She'd talk about everything and everybody.

She'd talk about the neighbor's kids, who made "too much noise" while playing ball.
She talked about how the guy who lives accross the street "must be gay".
She talked about how "small" was the wedding ring her niece got from her new fiancé.
She talked about the guy who was "too tall" when stading next to his girlfriend and about how "fat" she looked in that "gorgeus party dress, which, by the way, was too much for such a small event".
She'd talk, and talk by herself.

What she never talked about was the fact that she didn't have someone to talk to.

She's in love.

2012-01-13T11:41:00.004-02:00

- She's in love. She's been in love for a long time now.
- He's sweet, amazing, handsome, charming, talented, rich... Every girl's dream.
- She's in love. Ever since she can remember, she's in love.
- He can touch her heart, take her breath away, be the perfect guy.
- She's in love. She's been trying to figure it out, trying to reach her goal, trying to make the change. She's in love.
- He talks with everyone easily, and boy can he talk? He gets you with a look, with his sweet voice, he makes you wanna love him.
- She's in love.

She wants him, wants to get there, wants to make him realize he can only be hers. They are meant to be, as people say, they are the one.
She's just as charming, and talented, and beautiful, and funny as he is. She's everything he could ever want. That's what it is. That's what is supposed to be.

She's in love.
Not with HIM, but with the Idea of having him, that she created so long ago.

Still, she's in love.

New Year Resolutions

2011-12-31T13:48:00.004-02:00

- Get thin.
- Have (for at least once a week) the perfect hair.
- Be a better friend.
- Be a better Daughter.
- Be a better granddaughter.
- Be a better niece.
- Open up.
- Get lost.
- Don't hide from myself.
- Feel beautiful more often.
- Don't push things.
- Don't wait 'till the last minute.
- Sleep less. Enjoy more.
- Stop bitching.
- Get healthier.
- Read (AND FINISH) a book a month.
- Buy something for myself every other month.
- Feel happy.
- Learn something new.
- Fall in love.
- Love more.
- Walk my dogs.
- Go to the park with the kids and be silly with them.
- See everyone I love at least once a week.
- Study more.
- Be more perfectionist.
- Lose 40 pounds during the year.
- Go out to dance more often.
- See people I don't see for a long time.
- Go to the beach.
- Write more.
- Buy something really expensive, just 'cuz I can, sice I saved money for so long.
- Cook more.

And a million of other things...

Good or bad?

2011-12-20T08:12:00.003-02:00

I wish I could just not care about all that, but it's fucking incredible how bad it makes me feel.
And I wish it wouldn't affect me this much. Maybe someday I'll be as strong as I try to sell.

-
It's like having a sister hatting you, just cause it's "the right thing to do", to have such an unchangeable opinion. No matter how much you try to argue. And the worst thing it's that it hurts. And they don't even care about hurting you, because "you have to learn".

-
It is a bad feeling to have inside, the jealousy, I know that! But it's not towards them, it's not towards anybody. It's not hurting them in any level, I'd never do that. Why would they just like saying what they do? To hurt me? Like someone did to them?
I wasn't there! It was not my fucking fault. I shouldn't be the one being punished for being sincere, when I though I wasn't being judge.

-
I'd never do something like that to them, not ever. I never did it to anyone in my life, for Christ sake!
I'm not a bad person if I keep it to myself, am I? If I don't hurt anyone, that makes me at least a "fair" person, right? I have to believe that.
Believe that I'm good. I'm not "bad" just 'cuz someone think I am. Even if that someone was the person who was supposed to know you the most. And they probably do.

-
Someday I won't care.

WKD

2011-12-11T22:49:00.007-02:00

It starts on a Friday night.

- Going out to dance, stay out till late, go back home and sleep.
- Wake up only 4 to 6 hours later, go out for a beach or a pool, stay there till mid-afternoon then head back home to shower and get all dressed up again. Leave to dance some more, it's only Saturday after all. Come back early in the morning and sleep until very late.
- Wake up for lunch time, and go downtown or to a charming small county, with the water by the Hard Rock Cafe or the Cheesecake Factory's entrance. Then go to a park and walk around, talk, take pictures and enjoy the weather.
- Come home early evening, take a long shower and rest to get ready for the week ahead, waiting to do it all again next weekend. Maybe a little different or just the same way.

Sometimes I miss being the center piece, sometimes I miss making the decisions, sometimes I miss being someone else... Sometimes I just miss then.

Lesson of the Day.

2011-10-29T03:04:00.001-02:00

"If you can't explain it easily, you don't know it well enough." (by someone I can't remember)

Something I need to remember about my feelings.

Lost

2011-10-19T01:37:00.004-02:00

It just seems like I'm standing in a crowded street market, with people minding their own business, shopping what they need, living their lives, and I'm standing right in the middle of it all.

I look around, and as always, I can't see people's faces. They're all unfamiliar to me.
They don't see me 'cuz they've their own problems and won't bother to check on someone as they pass.

And I'm standing.

So I start to walk some place, I wanna get out of the mess, I wanna observe as I always do when I'm alone. Sit at the corner and look. But there's no way out unless I get to be all busy, and running and blind to the others.

So I stay there.

Then I see someone coming in my direction, someone I know, and instead of feeling better it just makes me feel like I could crash. And I do. Not because they make me feel bad, but because they make me feel safe as they'd protect me if I need. And they do.
Then we walk around a bit.
Other people seem to actually see me now, as if an invisible cloth was just taken off of my shoulders. I smile and it all seem better.

But them, the friend has to leave for they own lives, as everybody has to, at some point.
I can't go with them.
It's my shopping on the street market, I'll have to do it by myself.

Things turn into a blur once more and I try to reach out for them. It seems like I'm never close enough. And the good things are all taken by others who know what they're buying.

I'm just standing there.

Lost in the middle of the crowd.

Promessas

2011-05-19T15:19:00.002-03:00

Eu Prometo.
Prometo começar minha dieta.
Prometo pintar o cabelo no próximo verão.
Prometo renovar o guarda roupa.
Prometo abrir meu coração.
Prometo não me preocupar.
Prometo me dedicar cem por cento.
Prometo não depender de ninguém.
Prometo não dar indiretas.
Prometo não chorar no meu aniversário,
Nem com medo do futuro, nem com saudades do passado.
Prometo aproveitar melhor o hoje.
Prometo não me arrepender amanhã.
Prometo não fazer falsas Promessas.
Eu Prometo.

Walk Foward

2011-05-12T01:24:00.000-03:00

What the Hell is going on? - She asked.

It was a weird day, at the end of an weird week and she just coulnd't understand the things that surrounded her.
She was feeling alone, like she didn't know anything or anyone anymore.
She felt like no one cared about what she was feeling and once more she felt lost, as if she didn't have a place to go. As if she didn't belong there.

She took a breath, like the old friend's book said - Just Breath - and she did.
Held the tears from falling through her face, stood up straigh, counted to ten.
It wasn't the end of the world, as it never was, she'd find the way to get over it. And she would actually FIND this time, not only wait until it was over...

She closed her eyes and took, once again, her first step towards whatever it was coming on the way.

Soulmate.

2011-05-01T01:17:00.005-03:00

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'Cause someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
but I'm still waiting in line

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Gerundiando...

2011-04-26T12:48:00.002-03:00

Estudando Jornalismo.
Estudando a Vida.
Se Procurando na Vida.
Procurando Respostas.
Respondendo o que posso.
Querendo poder mais.
Querendo ter mais.
Tentando me satisfazer com o que tenho.
Tentando ser feliz.

BIG.

2011-03-31T01:58:00.002-03:00

I wanna be Big, I don't wanna wait.
I don't wanna listen, I don't wanna waiste.
I wanna make a change, wanna show my strength.
I wanna climb up, so don't tell me to wait.

And you give...

2010-11-11T20:26:00.003-02:00

... Until there's nothing to give. [Fall For Anything - The Script]

But guess what? The fountain has dried out.

About the Irishopians.

2010-10-21T19:53:00.016-02:00

I was an au pair, everybody knows that.
And through this two years I was in USA I meet a lot of people. Some bad ones, who I wish I could forget (and eventually, I will) and some very good, who will be in my heart forever.

One person is very speacial to me, not because of how nice she was with me and of how much fun we had while I was there, she's speacial because of the way she lives and the good she does... To THE WORLD (and I'm not over speaking).

Her name is Kristin Cushen and she was my coordinator on the program for a very short time (which doesn't change the love and respect I've grown for her).
She's a mother of 8 (now), and is the best person I've ever meet in my life. *Seriously, not over speaking*

She has this 6 amazing kids, whom I had the pleasure to live with during almost 3 weeks. They are polite, kind, care about each other and love each other in a way that I can't remember seeing.
One of them, Marin, is a little girl who was brought from Ethiopia three years ago (if I'm not mistaken) to become part of this loving Irish family.
With that, the family became and Irishopian family, and that's what makes them special.

Now, this family's grown even more, because they decided to bring home two more sibillings to their kids. I won't have the honor to meet them just yet, but I'm sure they are great little people, because God chose them to be part of the Cushens, and you gotta be kinda speacial for that.

Kristin does volunteer work to help raise money to give kids in Ethiopia, food, clothes, education... HOPE. And she writes a blog about the experiences she has while making the diference in these little one's lives.

After spending the afternoon minding my own business and trying to raise some Reais (brazilian money) to send to US, so that she and her husband, David, can help 20 orphans to have a roof over their heads every night, I went to Irishopian and read the last updates that she posted there.

Every new entry, every world I read made me fell blessed for knowing someone like her. Telling stories about her amazes me, bacause I see how people's eyes glow when they hear how can ONE person (family) change so much.
I wish I can become half of the great person she is, half of the great Mother she is and teach my kids half of the things she did to hers, to make them such good human beings!

I want to Thank her for doing what she does, and I say that as a citizen of the world more than as a friend who misses being close to such kindness and love.

Kristin, I Aplaude You!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Click HERE to donate to Hope's Chest, Hearts 4 Hope and help. Go to the Irishopian blog and read more stories about this amazing family. This might touch you and hopefully soon we will have enough people to help all this kids in need.]

[Clique AQUI para doar para a Hope's Chest, Hearts 4 Hope e ajude. Visite o blog Irishopian para ler mais sobre essa maravilhosa familia. Quem sabe isso não te motiva e em breve teremos pessoas o suficiente para ajudar a todas essas crianças que tanto precisam.]

Other side.

2010-09-19T00:43:00.004-03:00

She just had bad days since her life changed. The pipe broke down, the car recked, the gold fish died. She was a mess, feeling like "no more than nothing" as the song said.
Her mom would call once a week and yell some shitty solutions that'd lead to a shitty life, her best friend would try to offset the situation with some wise words full of knowleadge and she would sit and hear and then spend half of the night awake, staring at the dark looking for some answers.

Count the days as thet passed became to danm hard, so she started to count cars looking through the window of the bus.

After what seemed to be another year, a message came. It was no great message but good enough to make the wheel give one more turn. Things would start happening, flowers would bloom to another spring, life would become liveable once more...

She was laying on the bed, staring at the dark, but this time it was just for a while before she let her eyes shut and her mouth... SMILE.

Ciclo.

2010-09-12T17:51:00.000-03:00

Sair, de onde nem tenho que entrar.
Ouvir, mesmo sem se quer escutar.
Olhar e procurar do outro lado o reflexo.
Esperar.
E rezar.
E pedir.
E chorar.
E viver.
E aceitar.
E rezar.

É um ciclo.

A quem disse que sonhos eram impossiveis...

2010-08-24T15:50:00.000-03:00

So' a colagem ja' explicaria o que eu quero dizer, mas eu vou escrever o que foi essa experiencia pra que um dia eu mesma possa ler e relembrar o que foi esse que eu acho que pode ser considerado o dia mais feliz da minha vida so far...

Acordei com ressaca e na maior preguica na manha do domingo e decidi que nao iria ao show, ja' que nao tinha ingressos e que provavelmente nao iria mais encontrar nenhum a venda. Quando entrei no twitter pelo celular pra passar o tempo, dei de cara com mensagens de aniversario pro Howie e isso (acreditem, foi isso) me fez ter vontade de ir ao show uma ultima vez.
Liguei na ticketmaster e pra minha surpresa os piores lugares da casa de show ainda estavam a venda.

Fui pra casa me arrumar e avisar as companhias que eu iria sim ao show. Cai no sono depois e por bem pouco nao desisto de novo de sair de casa. Domingo de chuva, cama quentinha, tava dificil escolher sair de casa, mas fui.

Ao chegar em Baltimore dei de cara com transito e cidade movimentada por causa do jogo do Orioles, alem de um sol lindo que resolver dar o ar da graca no meio da tarde.
Quase impossivel nao pagar estacionamento caro na parte mais rica da cidade, rodei por um tempao pra finalmente desistir e entrar numa garagem. Esse foi provavelmente o dinheiro mais bem gastado em estacionamento da minha vida porque, por causa da procura de vaga, e o tempo no elevador, e a distancia ate' o local do evento, TUDO, me fez virar a esquina e dar DE CARA com um Nick Carter suado e com feijao no dente saindo de um almoco pre-show.

Ao contrario do que eu sempre pensei, fui a pessoa mais calma a falar com ele. Me apresentei, estendi a mao, desejei um bom show e que ele se divertisse e voltei, deixando ele caminhar sozinho com o seguranca e meia duzia de fans que se aglomeravam ali. Momento sao que durou tres minutos porque assim que eu dei as costas pra ele minhas maos comecaram a tremer, eu comecei a rir de forma incontrolavel (e quem me conhece sabe que isso nao e' bom) e entao a risada se transformou em choro.
Esperava tudo dele menos educacao, esperava tudo de mim menos calma, esperava tudo menos virar uma esquina EM BALTIMORE, e dar de cara com uma das pessoas que mais modificaram a minha vida nos ultimos 10 anos.

Depois das lagrimas risonhas, me recompus e caminhei pela mesma ponte por onde ele caminhou, uma coisa meio "Caminho de Santiago" pra uma fan teenie como eu, e fui ver o show. MENTIRA! Fui pirar ao telefone com a Faby que teve a melhor reacao de todos os tempos a frase "Acabei de conhecer o Nick", fui tagarelar no twitter e acabar com a bateria da unica camera que eu teria no show (a do celular) e esperar, ao lado dos onibus, que o dia mais feliz do ano ficasse ainda melhor. E ficou. E meia hora passaram Nick suado indo tomar banho, Brian e familia conhecendo o lugar do show (Leigh e Baylee nos deram tchauzinho) e Nick voltando do banho de gato (interpretem como quiser).

Nesse meio tempo passaram tambem, a turma toda do Mmmbop e uma artista nova chamada Angel Taylor. Quem leu o post sobre o meu dia com os Hanson ja' sabe, mas reforco aqui: Taylor e' uma bichona metida! Zac e Ike me conquistam a cada encontro, e a agente deles podia morrer engasgada num burrito.

Angel Taylor entrou no palco, e eu que j'a cansei de esperar BSB aparecer pre e pos show, fui aproveitar meus suados $40 dolares investidos naquele domingo.
Sentamos nas cadeiras com ingressos de grama e curtimos o show dela, de uma outra cantora nova (Serena Ryder) e metade do show dos Hanson, ate' uma das meninas com quem eu tava mandar uma mensagem dizendo que encontrou um lugar otimo ao lado do palco. Odeio ir ao cinema e sentar na frente e/ou do lado mas nesse caso a gente aguenta ne'?

Cerca de 25 minutos, 8 musicas (incluindo Mmmbop, This Time Around, If Only, Penny & Me e Thinkin' About Something) e os BSB estavam no palco.
Gritei como nunca gritei na vida, pulei, acenei, cantei junto, fiz greve de manifestacao enquanto eles tocavam as musicas do novo cd (What I know Now e Straight Through my Heart) e corri, como eu corri no fim do show. Existem vantagens em nao estar na frente do palco, na cara do gol. Aproveitei de um jeito mais livre ao show.

Fim de I want it that way, sem bis, corremos de volta ao onibus. 20 minutos foi o que precisou pra que o Brian saisse do palco e entrasse no onibus onde a familia "dormia". Um pouco mais e vieram Nick, que fez QUESTAO de parar pra dar a mao pras fans, Howie que ouviu "Happy Birthday to You" e agradeceu todo mundo com um sorriso de orelha a orelha enquanto nos dava as maos tambem e AJ, que passou na nossa frente se esquivando de todo mundo que esticava a mao pra pegar nele e correu pro onibus.

As meninas continuram la' numa cantoria digna de velorio de gato e sendo as fans mais irritantes com quem eu ja' tive contato (odeio fan de Backstreet boys sem nocao, o que preenche 90% de um todo) e eu bem feliz sai pra pegar meu carro que eu tinha que trabalhar no dia seguinte.

Sonhos se realizam SIM, e esses dois anos nos Estados Unidos so' me provaram que voce pode ir longe com um pouco de coragem e com uma melhor amiga que te incentiva a mexer a bunda.

Hoje ainda e' terca-feira e a euforia que eu achei que ia durar semanas ja' passou. Tenho mais e' um sentimento de dever cumprido, porque foi exatamente por uma noite como a do domingo que eu me dediquei a alguma coisa quando tinha 13 anos. Orgulhosa de ser fan sim, mas mais orgulhosa ainda de ser quem eu sou e de ter chegado onde eu queria. O resto a gente aprende a lidar e levar a vida...

Que venham os proximos capitulos...

"Some of the Sunsets...

2010-08-04T02:24:00.000-03:00

I got to see."

Pois entao, vi a Sara Bareilles ao vivo.

A Lilith Fair aconteceu, e eu, com o ingresso que foi presente de aniversario da minha maravilhosa host family, estava lah, na setima fileira, em frente ao palco.

Comecado o show com Uncharted e terminando com Gravity, a Sara tocou piano, como sempre, violao e dancou como a Beyonce durante o cover de Single Ladies.

Foram so' 40 minutos de show, e ainda assim foi o melhor show da minha vida.

No "after concert", corri em desparada para o lugar dos onibus estacionados e, como ja' sabia qual onibus era o dela, fiquei la' por perto esperando ela aparecer.

Creio que um hora depois, o baixista dela, Daniel, saiu e atravessou o portao que me separava da area restrita. Foi com muita coragem e cara de pau que eu parei ele e perguntei se ele era o cara que tocava com a Bareilles (alias, so' fiz isso por que chequei as fotos antes pra saber que era ele mesmo). Atencioso e cheio de sorrisos, ele parou dizendo que era e me deu a maior atencao enquanto eu jogava o meu textinho de "eu sou brasileira e queria muito ver a Sara antes de voltar pro Brasil, voce acha que ela vai sair ainda? Diz pra ela subir so' pra eu poder dar um oizinho e tals?"

Baixista conquistado pelo "mel tupiniquim" e meia hora depois a Sara saiu, com o Javier a tira colo, veio em minha direcao e quando ja' perto o suficiente perguntou: "Are you Jennifer from Brazil?". O Daniel fez o trabalho direitinho.

Eu tremia dos pes a cabeca, jogava o ingles do jeito que vinha, sem mastigar os erros e nem as babozeiras antes de falar.
Agradeci a ela pelo trabalho maravilhoso e inspirador que ela faz, parabenizei pelo show e babei um ovo maior que rifa de pascoa de supermercado de bairro. Ela, super simpatica, agradeceu o carinho, elogiou Brazil e disse que com certeza vai passar por ai la pelo final de 2011 (tempo o suficiente pra juntar dinheiro).

O Javi, todo prestativo, se ofereceu pra tirar uma foto nossa, porque eu tao transtornada nem lembrei de pedir, ou pelo menos nem tive a nocao de que eles nao passariam o resto do dia batendo papo comigo, e eu entreguei minha camera pra ele. Tres fotos depois, porque a Sara queria que a foto ficasse otima (o que nao aconteceu pq eu nao ajudei, maldita balada no dia anterior nao me deixou fazer a chapinha do seculo), ela se ofereceu pra tirar uma minha com ele, nao tive o trabalho nenhum de pedir nada.

No final sim, pedi pra ela fazer um video pra galera da comunidade do orkut, galera dedicada que ta' sempre tentando interagir com ela e tals. Ela me perguntou como dizia "Thank you for listening to my music." em portugues, treinou duas vezes e pegou como era certinho. Fez um video otimo, e eu toda me sentindo nos Webisodes que ela faz...

E foi isso.
Eu agradeci imensamente a atencao, ela agradeceu o esforco de vir do Brasil pro show (=p) e agradeceu pelo carinho mais uma vez, me deu um abraco e eu sai, saltitante pra descer e contar pra Deia.

Quando cheguei la', me lembrei de que nao perguntei se eles iam pra balada, porque com certeza eu poderia ter me enfiado no bar com eles, nao levei meu cd pra ela autografar, nao fiz nada que eu normalmente faria com outro artista qualquer de tao nervosa que eu fiquei. Eu! Nervosa! Como pode???!!!

Voltei pro portao, dessa vez armada de capa de cd, ingresso, caneta e perguntas na ponta da lingua. Se ela voltou? Claro que nao, tive a minha chance e nao aproveitei ao maximo, too bad... Mas nessa de esperar o milagre do dia se repetir, vi os dois, Sara e Javier, no maior xamego antes dela subir no palco de novo com o povo todo. Os boatos sao verdadeiros, Sara and Javi sitting on the tree... hahaha Mega fofos.

Depois disso voltei pra onde a Deia estava e vimos o show da Sarah McLachlan, ou melhor, parte do show da Sarah McLachlan e fomos embora.

Mas esses foram os melhores $156 dolares que eu jah gastei na vida. Fan da Sara pra sempre! Alem de otima artista, ela e' um ser humano incrivel e so' merece mais e mais sucesso! Espero ve-la brevemente no Brasil.

If it Makes you Happy...

2010-07-26T02:37:00.000-03:00

...It can't be that bad. [If it makes you Happy - Sheryl Crow]

I just have this sentence stuck on my mind on the last four hours and it's mostly because of the continuing part (Then why the hell are you so sad?). Why the hell am I sad?
Well, actually it's not sadness really, it's just a feeling that I'm not where I was supposed to be, or where I belong if there's a difference between this two words.

The thing is, this doesn't fell right. The place is still as comfortable as before and people are still like family and friends, but somehow it seems wrong, out of the place.
Maybe I already feel like I'm somewhere else but the things that where supposed to come with the change are still missing. I don't know, didn't figure out yet, not what I'm feeling, not how to change it. I just feel.

Still makes me happy, but the blue it's definitely here.

Hopefully it'll go away soon...

Every Journey has it's End...

2010-07-22T14:26:00.000-03:00

...Here is the end of mine in USA.

For two years I've made myself doubt if I would be able to accomplish what I came here to do. I was.
Two long years, lots of ups and downs.

I saw things I wanted to see ever since I can remember wanting something, met amazing people and, most important, found myself.

I still don't know squad about what I am going to do next, but at least I know how I am going to deal with it. I'm still scared of the future, but now I'm on a place where I can "look fear in the face and say "I Just Don't Care"' as P!nk would sing. I'm more sure of who I am and what I want than ever before. I've got plans, I'm gonna follow them and, I'm not saying I'll be huge, but I'll sure be something big *at least on my own eyes* And I own all of it to these last couple of years and the people involved on it.
Time to go home, unpack once again, have one more first day at work, travel one more time for vacation... None of this it's gonna be for the last time, not until it's time for a new journey to begin...

[To: Mom, aunt and the rest of the "gang", because they believe in me. To host kids, my three little "angels" (Christos, Ritika and Lalith). To the host parents, 'cuz I couldn't ask for better ones (Vinula and Ugandhar). To the new friend who came to save me from loneliness on the second year, Deia. And of course, to the best friend, the greatest one, because if it wasn't for her in my life I would never move my butt and wouldn't be here to start with, Dani. A BIG THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU ALL! ♥]